


Y su Esposa

by Wulvercazz



Series: El Dzulúm [2]
Category: Bleach
Genre: Dark Stuff, Dubious Consent, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Memory Loss & Confusion, Monster Grimmjow, Other, Teratophilia, fem!ichigo - Freeform, no beta we die
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-15
Updated: 2021-01-16
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:35:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,639
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28085547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wulvercazz/pseuds/Wulvercazz
Summary: time has passed...
Relationships: Grimmjow Jaegerjaques/Kurosaki Ichigo
Series: El Dzulúm [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2057526
Comments: 10
Kudos: 33





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> quick disclaimer: please do not read if you're bothered by morally ambiguous dark angst bc that's all this is lmao~ also I research a lot but (mostly on any medical stuff) I most likely got stuff incorrect,,, so just,, attribute it to creative license ^^U
> 
> I've had this sitting in my files for a while and finally today I had some time to finish the first part<3  
> Hope you like what I have so far!
> 
> ALSO this chapter has a lot of Spanish in it but do not fret! chapter 2 is this exact same chapter but with the Spanish bits translated<3

“Oiga, mujer.” 

Is he talking to me? Why? Men never speak to me. 

“Dama,” the man looks concerned. Don’t touch me.

“Tome esto; cúbrase,” he covers me, it feels heavy over my naked shoulders; my skin itches under the fabric.

“¿Está usted bien? ¿Qué hace aquí? ¿La hirieron?”

No, I’m fine. Speech. I could do that once. Have I forgotten how? My lips remember the movements, but I’m unsure my throat is willing to cooperate.

“Ya viene la ambulancia,” he continues, how many more people are coming? We don’t like people. “¿Quiere que llame a alguien por usted? ¿Tiene marido?”

Too much. Too crowded.

Don’t touch me.

“Que no ha dicho palabra; está en shock la pobre.”

“Pobre nena, ¿qué edad tendrá?, se le ve joven.”

Stop pitying me.

“Ya está en buenas manos, ¿me permite revisarla?”

I’m fine. I don’t like it when they touch me; the only one who can do that…

“Sus vitales parecen normales, pero tal vez la drogaron. No se sabrá sin los resultados sanguíneos.”

“Ay! Pobre criatura.”

I wish they would stop staring at me. With those big eyes— they used to do that before too. When they’d throw food at my feet and coo like I was wounded. 

“No puedo creerlo.”

“¿Qué pasa? ¿La encontró? ¿Está en la base de datos?”

“‘Ichigo’, dice; extranjera. Es la única joven pelirroja desaparecida por la zona; pero... ya sería una mujer más adulta.”

“Y se parece! Pues quién quita y sí es ella, ¿eh? La han cuidado muy bien, tal vez; quien sea el enfermo que la haya raptado.”

No. 

“Y acá entre nos, ¿se cree esa historia? ¿Que la secuestraron? A que se la robo el novio, digo yo. Como hacían antes.”

‘Boyfriend’, how disrespectful.

“No diga esas cosas.”

“Pues es posible, ¿no? No estaría tan bien cuidada si la hubiera agarrado un degenerado.”

“¿Le dice bien cuidada a esa cara perdida? Quien sabe que cochinadas le hayan hecho; se encerró en su propia mente esta mujer. Y sí pasa, eh. Que así le pasó a una prima lejana.”

They talk so much. 

I want to go home.

“¿Ichigo?”

I look up. I can tell it’s me they’re talking to. But I don’t respond to that name, not anymore. Someone gasps, like a choke; I can’t read them like I could read him

“¡Sí es, sí es!”

Too loud.

“No te emociones mucho, Fabiola; aún falta hablar a los familiares. Enviarles una foto para que la reconozcan, si es ella. ¿Se quedará contigo esta noche, supongo?”

“Claro, claro. No me gustaría que se quedara aquí...con esa bata vieja encima. Tengo algunas cosas de mija, la grande, que ya se casó. A lo mejor le quedan.”

I don’t want to go.

The woman takes my hand. It’s warm. Too warm. I don’t want to go. But I don’t want to stay here either, maybe her home has easier access. I can’t wait to get back home.

“No te preocupes, chula. Ya va a venir tu familia por ti. Muy pronto, vas a ver.”

Family. I know who my family is.

She speaks, she speaks loud. High pitched, like a bird. I don’t understand a word. Not because I can’t. Their whispers filter through the foliage with ease, so I’ve picked up the language. I can’t understand because my ears are ringing.

We are moving. Car. She’s driving me to her home.

I want to go back home.

The floor inside is cold, the woman rushes around all the clutter. I despise how trapped the walls make me feel.

“Ahí está. Mira, si te queda muy bien. Sabía que sería de tu talla.”

It doesn’t fit.

“¿No has comido, verdad? Me dijeron los muchachos que no quisiste tomar bocado de lo que te ofrecieron. ¿Te parece un pancito? El doctor dijo que no tenías nada, supongo que podrás comerlo sin dificultad.”

Chatty. It reminds me of someone, but their faces are yet blurry.

The food is fine. It tastes like a distant dream.

“Ya sé que no hablas, está bien. Pero tal vez te quieras distraer un poco, ¿te parece que encienda la tele?”

She doesn’t wait for an answer she knows I won’t give. It makes the question but a mere courtesy, I think.

Channels go by, I hadn’t been this close to a tv since…I tap her arm. What’s that?

“¿Quieres… quieres ver las noticias?”

<< _-_ nos reportan se han encontrado tres heridos que se encuentran de camino al hospital. Todos con heridas graves causadas por lo que se cree podría ser un jaguar. Profesionales en comportamiento animal nos advierten que en situaciones normales, una criatura como esta jamás se acercaría tanto a los asentamientos humanos sin provocaciones. De momento lo único que tenemos por agregar es; ¿que tanto hemos orillado a la naturaleza para reaccionar de esta manera?>>

“Qué terrible, pobre gente… pero van y se meten en la selva, ¿verdad? Pobres animalitos solo se están defendiendo.”

When I look out the window, I only see more gray. More people. Are you coming for me?

I wake up the next day, or is it the next week? The sun is bright over my eyes, it burns, there is no green here to shelter my late sleep.

“¿Lista linda? Yo se que no has soltado palabra desde que llegaste, pero tal vez lo puedas hacer por tu familia. Que se escuchaban muy felices de haberte encontrado.”

Find me.

The clothes still feel tight, too rough. But I’m getting used to it, like I’m remembering. I’m afraid of what else they’ll make me remember.

“ICHIGO!”

Their faces are blinded by the light, but I knew that voice. Softer, brighter. There’s a mature tone to it that twists my insides.

“It’s- it’s you. Oh it’s really you! Karin! Karin, look at her. She’s right here. Right here!”

It’s too tight, so tight that my throat hurts and my heart churns.

“I see her, Yuzu! I see her.”

Family. Who are these women?

They’re talking so fast, crying so loud. A snotty sob breaks through here and there. I’m sure I know them. I know them. Not from this life.

They ask me questions, but I don’t know the answers. I don’t know if I’d even want to give them answers, if I had them.

Don’t hold me so tight, my arms hurt.

“Karin! Be more careful!”

“She’s not responding, something’s wrong with her!”

“She’s in shock! Shaking her won’t get her out of it. We’ll bring her home, and we’ll get help. The most important part is we’ve finally found her; whatever we have to help her through, we’ll deal with together.”

The floors are familiar, and the walls and the high ceilings. It smells like fake sand and coconut and people. This window is familiar too, but it’s warm against my palm when I touch the glass this time.

“Come here, Ichi. You need to rest, we’ll fly back to Japan in the morning.”

Her hand is not soft, like my fingertips expected to feel them. And I look straight ahead rather than down at her. There’s a loving look in her eyes that I do remember, but the innocence is gone. My stomach is going sick.

It’s dark. Do you remember that night? It felt just like this one. But the pressure of their arms around me are new. They’d notice every move I make.

My hand feels the cold now.

How did I get here? That happened last time too. I look outside. It’s dark. Too dark. Darker than I remember, and the stars are hidden by thick gray. Anger. But not mine. All I feel is-

“Where are you going?”

My hand leaves the doorknob.

“Did you leave? Last time. Did you go by yourself?”

Not by myself.

“What the fuck is going on, huh? Where are your clothes?”

I finally meet her eyes, they look stormy and confused; like the sky outside.

“Please, Ichigo. Just... tell me what is going on!” 

I’m pretty sure I’m really trying this time. To say something. But my mouth is unmovable. Stiff like the walls that hold this building together.

“PLEASE!”

Too close, too loud. Stop holding my arms.

“Karin! What… what’s going on?”

“She’s leaving. Again! Maybe she didn’t even want us to find her!”

“Don’t say that! She’s confused! And you’re just making everything harder on her by scaring her like that!”

“Sorry.”

Quiet, their eyes are back on me now.

I _am_ sorry, but I’m not sure why.

“Oh! No, no Ichigo. You have nothing to be sorry for! We’ve missed you, we’ve missed you so much.”

“It’s true. I- I’m sorry I yelled at you. I’m just frustrated, ok? We knew nothing about you for twenty-five years. And suddenly you appear once more, in one piece, in perfect health. We buried an empty casket in hopes… in hopes that that would help us get closure. We were sure you were dead.”

I want to say more, but what? I’m not sure I’d be able to even if I found the words.

“But-! The good thing is, you’re back. That’s all that matters to us, right Karin?”

“... right.”

My heart is beating fast, very fast. This feels even worse than I remember. And that memory is so vague that I can’t even compare. My ears hurt, and I feel dizzy. She holds my hand.

“We’re almost home Ichigo. You just haven't been on an airplane in a long while, it’s ok.”

Home…

“We’re home”

It’s cold. Colder than I expected. Everything looks wrong. Where…?

“Dad-”

“Karin, not yet.” 

“She deserves to know.”

I feel my heart tense up. I can’t even remember his face.

“Dad… he looked for you. Everywhere. We were right with him; but we couldn’t find you. For years we looked. Even after we had to come back to Japan.”

“He’d sit by the phone all day. Especially after they stopped answering his calls. They all said the same thing, that we should just give up. That maybe we were better off not finding you… not finding you in pieces in some alley.”

“He became… quiet. Distant. He quit his job- well, people stopped coming to the clinic after finding it closed one too many times. He wouldn’t eat, or see anyone. No matter how much we begged. Uncle Ryuken helped us get him to the hospital when he stopped sleeping. They gave him stuff… to help. But it made things worse…”

“He uh, he took them all the time. He said he was in pain if he didn’t. We were worried of course. Uncle Ryuken helped us look out for him, even helped us trick him into more placebo than real pills. But… I guess the nightmares came back.”

Is he...?

“He’s at the hospital right now. We should’ve been more careful, he didn’t want to sleep and get nightmares anymore. So he took the ambulance and drove every night. At least, that’s what neighbours told us later… I-”

She’s sobbing, how long ago was this?

“I’m sorry… I- we should’ve noticed. We should’ve heard him leave.”

“He crashed it. Empty road, quiet neighbourhood. Ryuken told us maybe the lack of sleep made him lose control. I- I’m not so sure what I believe happened... He’s been in a coma for nine years.”

“Can-”

Their heads perk up. It’s the second word I’ve been able to voice since they found me.

“Can I see him?”

The white is blinding. I’m not sure I really want to be here, but what else is there for me to do?

“Yu, the doctor said you can go in now. I’ll wait for you here, I’m sure it’ll be better for her if it’s not too crowded.”

“Thank you, J. Call her while you’re here, will you? I know Karin’s picking her up but I want her to know everything is alright.”

“I was planning to. Go.”

I can’t help but watch them share a kiss. It brings me a sense of longing, even if I yet don’t trust this man. Yuzu says I knew him. Before. But I don’t really want to remember him.

Inside, the stomach churning smell is even stronger. There on the bed lies an old man, with gray hair and a tired look on his face. He almost looks like he’s merely sleeping.

It’s wrong. It looks and smells wrong.

This wasn’t supposed to happen.

“Oh Ichigo, I’m sorry. Maybe we shouldn’t have brought you.”

Her thumb traces my cheek, she wipes the hot tear that tried to frame my face.

I want to look closer.

He looks. Different. I’m having a hard time remembering how he really used to look. I know his hair should be darker. His face, younger. 

My throat burns. I hate this. He promised me.

He promised me everything would be alright.

I feel so tired all of a sudden, my knees drop me next to him. And I hold his hand close.

“Dad… Dad, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

I can feel Yuzu’s weight on my back. I know she’s trying, but it doesn’t reassure me in the slightest. My eyes burn and I can’t see, and my lungs hurt from breathing too harshly in between every sob.


	2. 1 (translated)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> bits in italics were originally in Spanish<3

_“Hey, woman.”_

Is he talking to me? Why? Men never speak to me. 

_“Lady,”_ the man looks concerned. Don’t touch me.

 _“Take this; cover up,”_ he covers me, it feels heavy over my naked shoulders; my skin itches under the fabric.

_“Are you ok? What are you doing here? Did someone hurt you?”_

No, I’m fine. Speech. I could do that once. Have I forgotten how? My lips remember the movements, but I’m unsure my throat is willing to cooperate.

 _“The ambulance is already on the way,”_ he continues, how many more people are coming? We don’t like people. _“Do you want me to call someone for you? Are you married?”_

Too much. Too crowded.

Don’t touch me.

_“She hasn’t said a word; she’s in shock, the poor thing.”_

_“Poor thing, how old could she be?, she looks young.”_

Stop pitying me.

_“You’re in good hands now, can I check you?”_

I’m fine. I don’t like it when they touch me; the only one who can do that…

_“Her vitals seem normal, but she may have been drugged. We won’t know until we have her blood test results.”_

_“Oh! Poor thing.”_

I wish they would stop staring at me. With those big eyes— they used to do that before too. When they’d throw food at my feet and coo like I was wounded. 

_“I can’t believe it.”_

_“What’s going on? Did you find her? Is she on the database?”_

_“‘Ichigo’, it says; foreigner. She’s the only red haired girl who’s disappeared in the area; but... she’d be older by now.”_

_“She sure looks like her! Who knows, maybe it is her, right? She’s been well taken care of, maybe; whoever may be the sicko who took her.”_

No. 

_“And just between us, do you believe that story? That she was kidnapped? Maybe her boyfriend stole her. Like they did before.”_

‘Boyfriend’, how disrespectful.

_“Don’t say that kinda thing.”_

_“Well, it’s possible. Isn’t it? She wouldn’t be so well cared for if some degenerate had taken her.”_

_“You call this lost face ‘well cared for’? Who knows what terrible things they did to her; she’s hiding in her own mind, this woman. And it happens. It happened to a distant cousin of mine.”_

They talk so much. 

I want to go home.

_“¿Ichigo?”_

I look up. I can tell it’s me they’re talking to. But I don’t respond to that name, not anymore. Someone gasps, like a choke; I can’t read them like I could read him

_“It is her, it is!”_

Too loud.

_“Don’t get too excited, Fabiola; we still need to call her family. Send them a picture for them to recognize, if it is her. She’s staying with you tonight, I suppose?”_

_“Of course, of course. I wouldn’t want her to stay here...with that old robe on. I have some stuff from my daughter, the older one, who got married. Maybe they’ll fit.”_

I don’t want to go.

The woman takes my hand. It’s warm. Too warm. I don’t want to go. But I don’t want to stay here either, maybe her home has easier access. I can’t wait to get back home.

_“Don’t worry, beautiful. Your family is coming for you. Very soon, you’ll see.”_

Family. I know who my family is.

She speaks, she speaks loud. High pitched, like a bird. I don’t understand a word. Not because I can’t. Their whispers filter through the foliage with ease, so I’ve picked up the language. I can’t understand because my ears are ringing.

We are moving. Car. She’s driving me to her home.

I want to go back home.

The floor inside is cold, the woman rushes around all the clutter. I despise how trapped the walls make me feel.

_“There it is. Look, it fits you very nicely. I knew they’d be your size.”_

It doesn’t fit.

_“You haven’t eaten, right? They told me you wouldn't’ take bite out of what they offered you. How about some bread? Doctor said you were alright, I suppose you can eat that without difficulty.”_

Chatty. It reminds me of someone, but their faces are yet blurry.

The food is fine. It tastes like a distant dream.

_“I know you don’t speak, that’s fine. But maybe you’ll want to distract yourself a bit, would you like me to turn on the tv?”_

She doesn’t wait for an answer she knows I won’t give. It makes the question but a mere courtesy, I think.

Channels go by, I hadn’t been this close to a tv since…I tap her arm. What’s that?

_“Do you… Do you want to watch the news?”_

_ <<-three victims have been reported, and are on their way to the hospital. All of them sporting wounds that are so far thought to be caused by a jaguar. Professionals in animal behaviour have warned us that, in normal circumstances, a creature like this would never get so close to humans unprovoked. At the moment, the only thing we can add is; how far have we pushed nature to react this way?>> _

_“How terrible, poor people… but they go and walk right into the jungle, right? Poor animals, they’re just defending themselves.”_

When I look out the window, I only see more gray. More people. Are you coming for me?

I wake up the next day, or is it the next week? The sun is bright over my eyes, it burns, there is no green here to shelter my late sleep.

_“Ready beautiful? I know you haven’t said a word since you’ve been here, but maybe you can do it for your family. They sounded really happy to see you.”_

Find me.

The clothes still feel tight, too rough. But I’m getting used to it, like I’m remembering. I’m afraid of what else they’ll make me remember.

“ICHIGO!”

Their faces are blinded by the light, but I knew that voice. Softer, brighter. There’s a mature tone to it that twists my insides.

“It’s- it’s you. Oh it’s really you! Karin! Karin, look at her. She’s right here. Right here!”

It’s too tight, so tight that my throat hurts and my heart churns.

“I see her, Yuzu! I see her.”

Family. Who are these women?

They’re talking so fast, crying so loud. A snotty sob breaks through here and there. I’m sure I know them. I know them. Not from this life.

They ask me questions, but I don’t know the answers. I don’t know if I’d even want to give them answers, if I had them.

Don’t hold me so tight, my arms hurt.

“Karin! Be more careful!”

“She’s not responding, something’s wrong with her!”

“She’s in shock! Shaking her won’t get her out of it. We’ll bring her home, and we’ll get help. The most important part is we’ve finally found her; whatever we have to help her through, we’ll deal with together.”

The floors are familiar, and the walls and the high ceilings. It smells like fake sand and coconut and people. This window is familiar too, but it’s warm against my palm when I touch the glass this time.

“Come here, Ichi. You need to rest, we’ll fly back to Japan in the morning.”

Her hand is not soft, like my fingertips expected to feel them. And I look straight ahead rather than down at her. There’s a loving look in her eyes that I do remember, but the innocence is gone. My stomach is going sick.

It’s dark. Do you remember that night? It felt just like this one. But the pressure of their arms around me are new. They’d notice every move I make.

My hand feels the cold now.

How did I get here? That happened last time too. I look outside. It’s dark. Too dark. Darker than I remember, and the stars are hidden by thick gray. Anger. But not mine. All I feel is-

“Where are you going?”

My hand leaves the doorknob.

“Did you leave? Last time. Did you go by yourself?”

Not by myself.

“What the fuck is going on, huh? Where are your clothes?”

I finally meet her eyes, they look stormy and confused; like the sky outside.

“Please, Ichigo. Just... tell me what is going on!” 

I’m pretty sure I’m really trying this time. To say something. But my mouth is unmovable. Stiff like the walls that hold this building together.

“PLEASE!”

Too close, too loud. Stop holding my arms.

“Karin! What… what’s going on?”

“She’s leaving. Again! Maybe she didn’t even want us to find her!”

“Don’t say that! She’s confused! And you’re just making everything harder on her by scaring her like that!”

“Sorry.”

Quiet, their eyes are back on me now.

I _am_ sorry, but I’m not sure why.

“Oh! No, no Ichigo. You have nothing to be sorry for! We’ve missed you, we’ve missed you so much.”

“It’s true. I- I’m sorry I yelled at you. I’m just frustrated, ok? We knew nothing about you for twenty-five years. And suddenly you appear once more, in one piece, in perfect health. We buried an empty casket in hopes… in hopes that that would help us get closure. We were sure you were dead.”

I want to say more, but what? I’m not sure I’d be able to even if I found the words.

“But-! The good thing is, you’re back. That’s all that matters to us, right Karin?”

“... right.”

My heart is beating fast, very fast. This feels even worse than I remember. And that memory is so vague that I can’t even compare. My ears hurt, and I feel dizzy. She holds my hand.

“We’re almost home Ichigo. You just haven't been on an airplane in a long while, it’s ok.”

Home…

“We’re home”

It’s cold. Colder than I expected. Everything looks wrong. Where…?

“Dad-”

“Karin, not yet.” 

“She deserves to know.”

I feel my heart tense up. I can’t even remember his face.

“Dad… he looked for you. Everywhere. We were right with him; but we couldn’t find you. For years we looked. Even after we had to come back to Japan.”

“He’d sit by the phone all day. Especially after they stopped answering his calls. They all said the same thing, that we should just give up. That maybe we were better off not finding you… not finding you in pieces in some alley.”

“He became… quiet. Distant. He quit his job- well, people stopped coming to the clinic after finding it closed one too many times. He wouldn’t eat, or see anyone. No matter how much we begged. Uncle Ryuken helped us get him to the hospital when he stopped sleeping. They gave him stuff… to help. But it made things worse…”

“He uh, he took them all the time. He said he was in pain if he didn’t. We were worried of course. Uncle Ryuken helped us look out for him, even helped us trick him into more placebo than real pills. But… I guess the nightmares came back.”

Is he...?

“He’s at the hospital right now. We should’ve been more careful, he didn’t want to sleep and get nightmares anymore. So he took the ambulance and drove every night. At least, that’s what neighbors told us later… I-”

She’s sobbing, how long ago was this?

“I’m sorry… I- we should’ve noticed. We should’ve heard him leave.”

“He crashed it. Empty road, quiet neighbourhood. Ryuken told us maybe the lack of sleep made him lose control. I- I’m not so sure what I believe happened... He’s been in a coma for nine years.”

“Can-”

Their heads perk up. It’s the second word I’ve been able to voice since they found me.

“Can I see him?”

The white is blinding. I’m not sure I really want to be here, but what else is there for me to do?

“Yu, the doctor said you can go in now. I’ll wait for you here, I’m sure it’ll be better for her if it’s not too crowded.”

“Thank you, J. Call her while you’re here, will you? I know Karin’s picking her up but I want her to know everything is alright.”

“I was planning to. Go.”

I can’t help but watch them share a kiss. It brings me a sense of longing, even if I yet don’t trust this man. Yuzu says I knew him. Before. But I don’t really want to remember him.

Inside, the stomach churning smell is even stronger. There on the bed lies an old man, with gray hair and a tired look on his face. He almost looks like he’s merely sleeping.

It’s wrong. It looks and smells wrong.

This wasn’t supposed to happen.

“Oh Ichigo, I’m sorry. Maybe we shouldn’t have brought you.”

Her thumb traces my cheek, she wipes the hot tear that tried to frame my face.

I want to look closer.

He looks. Different. I’m having a hard time remembering how he really used to look. I know his hair should be darker. His face, younger. 

My throat burns. I hate this. He promised me.

He promised me everything would be alright.

I feel so tired all of a sudden, my knees drop me next to him. And I hold his hand close.

“Dad… Dad, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

I can feel Yuzu’s weight on my back. I know she’s trying, but it doesn’t reassure me in the slightest. My eyes burn and I can’t see, and my lungs hurt from breathing too harshly in between every sob.


	3. 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> am I destined to only ever write this fic at midnight?
> 
> maybe it's the ~atmosphere~ lmao,,, hope you enjoy this lil bit<3

By the time we arrive home, if I could call it that; my head feels much clearer. Like waking from a dream; but my throat still hurts from all the crying.

Yuzu and her husband, (dear God, what a weird sight it is still) have left with their daughter. Ichigo. They named her after me; and I can’t feel proud. I don’t deserve it. 

“How did it go?”

Karin is sitting on the couch right next to me, wearing sweats and it feels like I’m looking at her for the first time in ages.

She’s so much older now. It pains me. How much else did I miss?

“It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it, Yuzu says you’re getting better. So I guess that’s enough for me.”

I want to tell her how sorry I am. How confused, and terrified I am. Of what I’ve done, of what I’ve caused.

It’s all my fault, isn’t it?

“If you’re tired you should get some sleep. It’s been plenty of strong emotions for one day.”

She’s right. I walk up the stairs with nothing more than a shy nod in her direction. What more can I give her? What can I do for her that’d alleviate all the pain I’ve caused them?

Yeah. Nothing.

My old room is still intact. I slept here the night before, but just now am I noticing how little it has changed. Everything, down to every pencil in my desk, sits where I left it before we departed. If I focused enough I could probably make myself believe this was really all a dream. But somehow, I’m quickly scared away from the idea.

I strip. I really want to sleep. Maybe I should wash my face first? I remember getting washed and dressed at that clinic that found me almost two weeks ago… I’d like to do it myself.

Who- ah.

That’s me.

I take tentative steps towards the mirror. I look more tan, like my freckles have been highlighted one by one. My hair is so much longer; but it was already long when I left. I haven’t looked like this in a while. I’m not sure what that means. But I’m certain it’s the truth.

It feels… unreal. 

Not just my reflection. All of it.

The trip, the stupid trip, the missing memories, the pain.

And at the center of it all, is me.

I left. I opened that door and closed it on them.  _ I  _ did that.

Because I- 

_ Grimmjow _

_ FUCK _ . My head is being split open with a butter knife. It hurts, and it hurts so much that I feel like crying. But it’s the ghost of a headache because all that hurts is the memories that I know I have, but I can’t reach.

Grimmjow, oh  _ Grimmjow _ .

It’s dark outside, and it’s raining. I’m not sure what time it is, but it’s barely past sunset. The smell of water and ozone outside calls me. I don’t think twice before opening my window and sticking my face towards the sky.

“YOU PROMISED!”

Am I drowning in the rain?

“You promised me, Grimmjow! That nothing bad would happen to me! Doesn’t this count?! Where are you now?! Where are you now that I need you?”

Where are you now?

Before I know it, my face is hitting the pillow; the window is closed once more but the rain has left its cold mark on my bed.

It’s been long since I spent a night feeling cold. There are ghosts on my skin; soft, warm. A hot rumbling embrace that held me so long each night that I often thought it’d swallow me whole. And I’d let it.

Who are you? Why have you caused me so much pain? Why does my heart stir when I think of your name? All I remember is a deep blue that calls to me; a terrible waterfall. The neverending green that embraced every one of my steps. Where? Where am I?

Someone follows, close; it’s a welcome shadow. The soft ground barely whispering under his feet, his name, I dare not let it grace my lips. I’m afraid; not of him, but of receiving no answer.

Ichigo.

Don’t call me, please.

_ Ichigo _ .

Don’t make this more difficult.

“Ichigo!”

Light blinds me for merely a second, her face is so close to mine; the pain I feel on my shoulders is the tight grip of her hands. I realize now that I’m barely breathing, inhaling too fast. Too much for my lungs to take.

“It’s me, Karin. Your sister.”

I know who she is; and that hurts more than it brings me relief.

“Just… focus on me okay? Were you having a nightmare?” Her hands are busy now touching my forehead, wiping away the unruly hairs that tangled in my lashes during the night.

“I-” 

I don’t know.

Precipitated air leaves my breast. Gently, this time. And Karin’s tense bearing visibly relaxes into a tired stance; had I looked that bad?

“You were screaming, I was worried.”

I yet can’t get my lips to articulate any words, but I look down in apology and submission. Distress is the only thing I seem to be able to bring forth in the people around me.

“Hey, it’s okay. Alright?” She takes my chin to force my eyes on hers. “It’s okay to have nightmares, don’t feel bad about it.”

I’m sure whatever I dreamt of was upsetting, but it wasn’t a nightmare. At least it didn’t feel like such.

She’s untiring; it’s not a new observation, however. Something tells me I’m merely recalling the Karin I used to know. What’s new is the steady way that words register out her mouth, she’s never been this chatty. Then again, how would I know what’s changed about her after all this time?

My mind still tries to recall the dream, despite her best efforts to hold my attention with simpler, mundane events from around town. I’m thankful for her concern, and as such I try my best to look interested in the tales she brings to me, even if all I wish for is silence. And when the recent stories are over, Karin looks back at memories I couldn’t share with them.

She calls out names of people that I should remember, and although she pairs them with a respective title ‘family friend’, ‘cousin’, ‘friend’, I still cannot recall any. That doesn’t put an end to the stories. Maybe Karin hopes for them to elicit some sort of spark in my mind; coerce my brain to remember things once natural to it.

But these memories don’t feel mine at all.

By nightfall, Karin’s voice has gained a rough and worn out gravel; maybe it  _ is _ a new-found quality to talk this much. It pains me to be the reason of its bloom.

“Do, you think you’ll be up for a little walk tomorrow?” Finally some of her words register through well enough to make sense, I would be delighted to leave the house.

My quiet enthusiasm reaches her eyes and evokes a soft chuckle from her chest.

“Great. Yuzu will meet us early in the morning, hopefully the park won’t be too crowded then.”

Silence. Deafening and accusatory. All I wish for is sleep as soon as my feet meet the warm wood of my bedroom floor. I catch my reflection in the mirror once more, giving a double take as if I can’t quite believe that really is what I should look like.

I dread with trembling knees what waits for me on my bed. A painful reminder. For what?

Darkness swallows me; I barely remember changing into the warm pajamas that Karin insisted I use, when already that which I left behind welcomes me with open arms.

‘Why did you abandon me?’ I hear in my mind, but I’m fairly certain that thought isn’t mine. I’m also certain I’m being falsely accused.

Anguish fills my veins and flows through to my heart, but once more, it isn’t mine. Why are you sharing this with me?  _ Grimmjow _ . I’m barely able to peek at you through confusion-stained glass, your memory but a blur that I can’t focus on no matter how hard I strain my eyes; but even that engulfs my senses with peace and joy.

How dare you sully those memories with your sorrow now that I can’t reach them? What do you really wish for? Is it resentment that you feel for me? Wasn’t I ever complacent, ever grateful?

A feather-soft ghost of a touch makes me shiver, my hand quickly reaches for my clavicle; it wounds me to find it bare. I can hear no noise other than gentle rumbling, apologetic but still mournful. Have I brought you as much grief as your memory has brought me? Will I ever remember? I  _ ache _ to remember.

Tentatively, like afraid, needle like fingers outline my face. Like someone who has yearned to touch it for a lifetime. This isn’t fair. Where is your face? Am I blind to  _ you _ only?

You need to remember. It’s a fleeting whisper, but it’s clear to my ears.

How do I remember?

Answer me. How?

Please.

Help me remember.

_ How do I remember? _

Grimmjow.

_ Grimmjow! _

How long has it been since I’ve been awake, if I laid barely minutes ago? A worry itches in the back of my brain, somewhere I can’t reach. It’s hardly morning, but maybe if I wait just a moment more I’ll be greeted by the warmth of the sun sneaking through the glass.

Instead, the creaky wood outside my door alerts me that my sister is awake too; and I’m suddenly tired of a trip I’ve yet to make. She greets me softly, and that softness fits in her face like an odd puzzle piece.

Yuzu and her daughter are waiting by door; I walk down the stairs after fighting the urge to not put on the clothes Karin laid out for me, and I’m afraid to look at this girl in the face. Afraid that she too will have a memory of me that only  _ I _ am ignorant of.

My worries are washed away when she smiles brightly at me, yet still hides behind her mother; a little unsure, but polite. And with a face so very new to me that I can’t help but love her instantly. Freckles dust her face as they do mine, but her hair isn’t quite as fiery. Just a peaceful brown. Her gray eyes inquisitive and naive.

It’s a quiet walk to the park. My feet recall the streets before my mind could ever begin to try and look within the pieces of a broken mind. Though I quickly find that I’m not bothered; I can trust them to take me with, as I wonder what exactly was I expecting to find in today’s outing.

For now, the soothing sound of my own steps is a good enough encouragement. The muffled noises around me are not quite words to my ears, and they’re easy to ignore.

When we arrive, Yuzu squeezes my hand just so that my attention is brought back to the moment.

Karin and herself find a quiet spot for us to sit on while the young girl sets about claiming the football field just a couple meters away. I hadn’t realised she was carrying with her a ball for the occasion. It strangely reminds me more of Karin than of her own mother.

“It’s nice to get some fresh air, isn’t it, Ichigo?”

I nod. Just a little, like my head weighs ten times more than it really does. Yuzu seems content enough with that.

“There was something we actually wanted to ask you, Ichigo.”

“We thought it’d do you good to see someone.”

Had they finished each other’s thoughts like that before? I could’ve laughed, maybe in another life.

A psychiatrist? They’d kept talking even before I gave them any signs of having listened; maybe my face doesn’t show as much of my thoughts as I thought it did. No wonder the mirror looked like a lie.

Maybe that would do me good; and I suppose whoever my sisters expected me to meet knew something or other about communicating while non-verbal.

They keep talking after that is settled, again more mumbling to my ears. I distract myself with the lullaby of the leaves rustling with the wind, and I almost see darkness. Humid, fertile, wild darkness; only ever tainted by a few rays of light that shyly peeked through the gaps over our heads.

I can feel my body leaning to the side, trusting it’ll meet a strong embrace. Instead I fall deep into the dark, and for the first time in a lifetime it scares me.

It’s missing something; it’s never been so cold, so impolite.  _ He’s not here.  _ Why does it disrespect me so? Do I not still share his ruling? Whoever decided I was to be cast away from my rightful place?

An ache strikes me, is it my head? Or my mind?

I wonder if I’m awake.


End file.
